my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Randomize
