i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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