im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Randomize
