yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
