textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
jersey shore drinking game rules must be edited. almost died. how is it possible for a person to say guido that many times
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Randomize
