i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
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