so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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