how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
