The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
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