one word: firstdatebathroomanal
handjob tips. give me some.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
