you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Randomize
