can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
