11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Randomize
