there's paper in my vomit.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
