So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
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