Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
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