please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Randomize
