so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Randomize
