SEEEEXXX PLEASE
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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