Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Randomize
