there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
