just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
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