Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
