note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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