I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
