That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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