There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Define "chronic" masturbator.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I have already put on my inside pants.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
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