Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Randomize
