So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I'm like, not good at living.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
My feet surprised me
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