How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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