If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
