My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
