You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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