Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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