I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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