Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
