I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
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