At least make sure they are 18
Why
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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