Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
