the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
