You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
You are the jesus of drinking
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
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