You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
