im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
