So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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