She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
