Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
