apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Randomize
