pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
