Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
