glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
