You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
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