i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
